I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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