she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
