Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
