I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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