he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
