I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
