The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
