my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
