he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
