im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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