Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
