I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
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