its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
