My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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