I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
