please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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