so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
