I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
