Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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