Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
