So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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