Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
