I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
