I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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