I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
