I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
that is very illegal...i love you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
