I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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