I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
