If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
