i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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