I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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