i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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