i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago