My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times