You're my little dorito
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
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I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
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Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"