i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
