just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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