Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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