Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
