take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
