i love accidental penises.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
