Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's rum buckets o'clock
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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