Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
