i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize