More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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