I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
