did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
