Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Randomize
