my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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