So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
