I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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