She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
