Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
