Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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