She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
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Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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