please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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